Mother Daughter

She is 85 years old, several hours away, and doesn’t like to travel.

I am busy with a family growing up, conflicting schedules and needs.

We speak on the phone every couple of days, drop each other notes and cards and packages.  I miss sharing a snack on the couch, watching her favorite TV programs with her, enjoying a meal at the table, feeling her put that extra blanket on me when she thinks I’m sound asleep, having talks in the wee hours when we are the only ones awake.

She is 21 years old, several hours away, and doesn’t like to travel.

I am busy with her siblings growing up, conflicting schedules and needs.

We communicate by phone or online practically every day.

I miss laughing with her in person, including her in our family activities, buying her special foods, taking a peek at her in the night when I think she’s sound asleep, waking up early with her, just me and my firstborn…like when she was a baby.

I must send out some kind of a signal to the universe when I need to really connect with these two.  I start to feel anxious; I fear I am beginning to lose them.  And then, they will both call me on the same day, and it is more than a check-in.  The stars align so that I magically have a free hour or so for each of them.  We have Real Conversation, we connect, I have been nurtured and I nurture.

It is rare that I can hold them physically.  Yet I still hold them…in my thoughts, in my prayers, in my love.

BFFs...is it really so wrong to be your child's friend?

One piece of common wisdom we often read and are told as mothers is that we are not to be our children’s friend; we are their parent.  Obviously the point of this advice is to make clear that our most important job is to provide consistent rules and clear guidance for our kids, despite what they might think they want from us.  If we try to make them or their peers like us, we may actually end up doing them a disservice.  As they come into young adulthood, our relationship will hopefully evolve into a more equal and amicable one, but while they are young, we are supposed to be firm and keep them on the right path.

It’s a message I have heard but not fully accepted.  My seventeen year old daughter often tells me that I’m her BFF, and while part of me loves to hear it, another part cringes a little and tells me that I must be screwing up the “parent instead of friend” thing.  When she was little, this daughter was such an old soul.  She had a knack for saying just the right, wise thing, whether she really understood what she was saying or not.  Sometimes I’d find myself asking what she thought about this or that situation to see if she might have some special insight for me.  When she was around 10 years old, it became clear that this middle daughter and I shared many interests—good stories, dollhouses, holiday traditions, academics and philosophical talks.  One night as I was tucking her in with a book, she said “If you and I were the same age, we’d be best friends”.  I couldn’t help but be flattered and agree.

As the teenage years approached, I figured I should begin to brace myself.  Although her older sister mostly remained an easy kid throughout high school, one any mom would be pleased with, this one was more feisty.  She was strong-willed, snarky, and questioning of those in power.  The friendship we had couldn’t possibly last through this phase of finding her identity and asserting her independence.

Or so I thought.  The kid remains an excellent student with tons of extracurricular activities and talents, as well as thoughts and opinions all her own, and I’m still her BFF.  And apparently that hasn’t messed her up too badly.  She’s a responsible, moral person with a strong sense of integrity.  We discuss practically everything under the sun, and sometimes we disagree.  There are times I ask for her input, and she reminds me she is still a kid who would rather not be burdened.  There are times I remind her I am the parent and don’t want to hear advice from her.

What is a friend, anyway?  I believe it is someone with whom we have a strong connection,  someone who brings out the best in us, someone who appreciates us and is there for us in times of need.  Friends share both good and bad experiences, laughs, and important milestones.  They challenge each other and have difficult conversations when needed, as well as encourage and build each other up.  They love each other.  And as far as I’m concerned, the loving relationship between a parent and child is not only more important than the role of parent as authority figure, it is the very foundation of it.  Respect is built on love and trust, not on fear.  I am proud to be both my daughter’s BFF and her mom.