reframing

In a Saturday morning class on Compassionate Communication which I was taking a couple months ago at the local Unitarian Universalist church, we were guiding each other in a self-empathy exercise.  One of the participants shared that a friend would tell her she worried too much, and this upset the participant.  (As a side note, at the time I wondered why this would be particularly upsetting, only to have it happen to me over the Christmas holiday break.  Funny how when you're looking for it, you realize how often this type of thing--a chance for real learning-- happens.  I definitely understood after it occurred with me why it caused hurt and even some anger.  By telling someone they worry too much, you are minimizing their very real feelings and concerns.)  Anyway, during the class we were invited to share any possible suggestions for ways in which this member could offer empathy to herself.  My reaction, which admittedly didn't have a lot of insight behind it at the time, seemed to strike a chord with at least a couple of participants.  My suggestion was to reframe what was said into some positive truth, even if she only she said it to herself.  In this case, the woman grew up greatly sheltered and fearful, so her worry reactions were understandable.  Not only were they easily explained by knowing her past, but they were also a part of her very thoughtful and careful personality.  She had overcome so much fear by her loving action in the world.  Her reframing response would be to tell herself, "I am not a 'worrier'; I am a very careful person who puts a lot of thought into the details of situations. This has served me and others well in the past and is a part of who I am."

It occurred to me that I can do this reframing in my maternal attitude.  Especially in the case of my son, one characteristic of his, one that really pushes my buttons, is that he is so prone to peer pressure.  He is such a follower of whatever the "cool" or funny kid of the class is doing, and he wants to show that he is edgy too and knows what (bad) things mean.  This has led him to inappropriate behavior and conversation in school on a number of occasions, and he has been in trouble for it.  He will also not wear items of clothing he previously liked if a cool kid says anything at all (like "that jacket is fake leather"), he will not use his cell phone because it doesn't have the bells and whistles other kids' phones have so his is an embarrassment, he listens to the popular opinions and does not stand up for his own.  He flies under the radar in school and hides how smart he is so as not to stand out.  He is 12 years old so part of this is normal, but this has been a part of his personality from very early on.  Besides the fact that it just bothers me to not see him hold and express his own thoughts and values, to not see his integrity and spirit growing strong, there is probably also an underlying fear of mine...okay, maybe not so underlying...that he will be led badly astray in the teenage years ahead.  My feelings here are valid, of course, but they are not helping my relationship with my son.  I find myself looking for these weaknesses of his, not giving him the benefit of the doubt, and not just accepting and supporting him where he is.

So I thought some reframing was in order.  This child lived in three different and horrible situations before he was ever my son.  He spent almost two years in a dysfunctional home in Russia with an alcoholic mother.  He was neglected and malnourished and suffered from a bad case of rickets.  He was suddenly removed from his mother and spent the next 8 months in a hospital crib, at an age when he should have been safely exploring and having fun learning about the world around him.  Finally, he lived an orphanage for 6 months before I came to bring him home, to a different country and culture and language and family and *everything*.  He was hyperactive and into everything, but this was a kid who knew how to go with the flow.  From the first day home, he observed his 6 year old sister calling "Mom" when she needed something, and he immediately did the same.  He figured out how to charm relatives right away.  He tolerated lots of testing and immunizations at the doctor's office without showing fear or crying.  He went to the dentist and handled pretty intensive work there, too.  His ability to quickly figure out social cues, how to be accepted in his new situation, just how to get what he needed in general...all these had served him in the past and continued to serve him.  More than just serve him, they literally helped him survive.  Instead of thinking to myself that he is being a follower or weak, I can reframe that by saying to myself that my son had to learn very early that he couldn't trust anyone but himself and his own gut on how to get by.  He didn't even have a mother at the most vulnerable time of his life.  Instead of seeing "going with the flow" as a negative, I can see it as resilience.  Obviously I still need to guide him into making good decisions, developing personal integrity, and trusting family.  But by reframing, I can do it from a place of love, understanding, and respect for who he is and what his personal journey has been.  I think this place of loving relationship will be much more effective in guiding him than the place of fear was. 

And as for reframing my other children...my first's introversion and personality have given her the strength and courage to do things I never could have.  She is, instead of "loner", more like "strong and silent type".  My middle girl, instead of intense and sensitive, should be viewed as high-achieving as well as highly creative.  And my baby, instead of difficult, is the very definition of spirited.

Reframing seems to hold the key to right relationship with ourselves and others.  I'm going to make more of an effort to do it, especially as a mother.