Unlikely Advice for My Daughter

I believe in synchronicity, the meaningful coincidence of certain concepts coming into my life just when a message is ready to be received. There have been countless examples of this over the years, of course especially when I make myself open to it. Recently I have experienced this phenomenon as relates to some parenting guidance I felt compelled to give.

My oldest daughter, a young adult who has been living on her own since her early college days, suffers from anxiety and depression. It is incredibly painful as her mother to know of her struggles and try in whatever limited way I can to help. I have made sure that she has access to medication and therapy appointments, and there are countless phone conversations between us. We fight her uncomfortable feelings together, she’s okay for a while, and then they come back. Recently she said to me, after making a concerted effort to move past certain seemingly paranoid fears only to have to confront them directly, that she feels like the universe does not want her to be sane. I wanted to contradict that statement immediately. But then some ideas which have been simmering in me over the past couple of months bubbled up at once and gave me a clear piece of unlikely advice for her.

I picked up a book not long ago, ostensibly on a whim, called Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert. In it, she talks about the creative process and how there will always be an element of fear involved. Her advice is to invite the fear in, give it some room, and move on without letting it take control. That spoke to me, as did two of my favorite movies which often come to mind, The Sixth Sense and A Beautiful Mind. In the former, a haunted child is only able to achieve some peace when he allows the disturbing ghosts to have their voice and he listens to what they have to say. And in the latter, the genius John Nash is finally capable of living productively when he acknowledges the imaginary characters and voices in his life but continues along without allowing them any power. And in one of the most touching sermons I have ever heard in church, the pastor described her experience with a stubborn loneliness. When she finally “sat with it” and saw it as a cherished companion rather than an enemy to be feared, she experienced a life-changing shift in perspective.

Suddenly, with all of these messages in focus, I felt I had a unique suggestion for my daughter. She feels a high level of anxiety, which sometimes leads to depression. It is part of who she is. She is one of the most sensitive, perceptive, detail-oriented people I know. With these strengths, the other side of that same coin is the anxiety they can produce. So to my girl I say: Give that anxiety some space and some respect. Name it. Write about it. Talk about it if you want to. And then move forward anyway. Because my daughter is also one of the bravest people I know.